oooweee... when it rains it pours. Life has been seriously challenging for me the last couple of months, and if you read my previous posts from the last year not an not so easy last couple of years. But I can honestly say that mercy is defintely graced me. I have had more closed doors, and limitless holds on hope that I can count. So from here, me getting pass each rollercoaster and dissspointment is writing.

Yesterday I hear the news that Whitney Houston died, and all the media can do is ask why? how? who found her? was it drugs? did she overdose? did someone killed her? And all I can think about; was her last minutes lonely or dreadful. Her daughter, and her family. Yes it is important on how she died but the given fact is; she's no longer here, and I cried for her. I didn't know her, nor ever met her, or seen her in concert. But you know how you can look in someone's eyes and learn them. You see thier soul, thier emotions, and what they're feeling. With that; I feel like I knew her. And just two days ago I recieved my Feb subscription of Essence Magazine on my nook. She was featured in the, headlines: "Whitney: In The Spotlight Again" she is in a a new movie coming out this summer for the remake of the movie "Sparkle" with Jordin Sparks. I was so happy for her because she looked so good and healthy. I immediately showed the pictures to my colleagues who was also happy to see her in such a beautiful light. It saddens me, but I only want to focus on her most successful past accomplishments and those that were to come. She's been through alot and she was well aware of it all, and headed toward making good for herself, and reclaiming her greatness.

For you I dedicate this post Whitney.

why even make plans?

 hate when my day doesn't go as I plan. They always say when you wanna hear God laugh, tell him your plans. I have to remember that when I plan for something in the future I have to remember to say to God if it is in your plans I will... So much has happen this year, but what 's new. There is always much happening every year in my life. Every time I get pass one hard point of living; there's another one right behind it. I miss the days when I was younger when there were more happy days than bad ones, as I get older there are more bad days than happy ones. Even though I try to make a smile out of every moment of the day, I always find myself reflecting on the direction my life has went rather than the direction I want it to go.

I'm moving in about three weeks, and I am not excited about it. I'm having to get use to the independent land lord, and so far its not working out for me. Versus me having a company as my landlord rather than an individual, is not something I'm beginning to like at all. I wonder what God thinks of the many questions I have flowing in my mind everyday to him. Especially when I'm face with hard and difficult decisions. At times I feel lost as if he forces me to make these decisions on my own, knowing the one I will make regardless if its the right one or not. I wish I had a guardian angel that would help me in all the decisions I make. An angel that will calm my heart when its stress or worried about something I have no control over.

If you haven't notice now, I'm in a slump today. I finally found myself not being the dominant person of the many disagreements I have with people. I only now have the strength to say OK, and accept things that i don't want to hear or can't help to control. Which is really hard for me. And yet I have to accept it, and trust that everything will work out. Even if I decide to give up on something and not react with my emotions, I rather not face the negative consequences. Tsk! Its kind of like, accepting the consequences of a decision I made, or doing something about it now and facing even more negative consequences later. Isn't that something horrible for someone to worry and stress about. Sometimes I wanna cry and hope God feels sorry for me and make everything better, nope! It doesn't work like that. I wish it did. Because I definitely feel like crying.

HALLoWeEn!!!!!!!

What a fun Holiday! Halloween! You can dress to be whoever you want to be on this day, and not be judged or questioned. For me and my daughter this year, we were without our norm for this holiday. Even though my sister and my nieces are not here physically, they were with us in spirit during our trick-or-treat extravaganza last night. Its been an emotional weekend dreading the thought of this night not having  my sister or nieces by me and my daughters side. My daughter didn't event want to go out without her cousins, but I talked her into it, and she had a ball! The community was so involved in the holiday for the children, there were catering outside serving hot dogs, haunted houses, and some neighbors were even scaring the children as they approach thier front doors.

A little upset because I wanted to check the candy first, and refuse to smile for the picture.





We even had an amazing Halloween Costume Party at work, most of us didn't participate, (like myself, far left)..in the glasses. But we really all had a nice time. Can any of you guess who the guy is in the black coat???





FREMENIES!

I really never had much emotion or thought to the word "fremenies". I didn't think I had any. Just until recently I had a friend confide in me a conversation she had with a person I thought to be a pretty good associate. I learn this person would take a conversation that I would have with them in confidentiality and would then twist it into bashing me with another person. 

What were they reasons for doing this?

In reality I think it is to make them feel good that I'm not as perfect or as happy as I really am. My first reaction was to be angry, betrayal, get revenge, confront her, and after I calm myself, took about two deep breaths. I realize I was hurt. The question I kept repeating to myself was 'why'. Why am I hurt, why am I surprised? This is not a person in whom I trust, she is not someone I call a friend. What boggle me was the energy a person puts into wanting to know or find something out about me. That they felt was a good topic or two to discuss with another person.

Am I that important? For you to know what kind of car I drive,?how much money I make? what I am I doing this weekend? who I am dating? Where do I live?

What in the hell is that about, it's actually scary. Is this something that should worry me, or enlightened me?
 

Forget That!
 

I know what it is. I look good, I feel good about myself. I love dressing nice, I like compliments! and I love to make anyone smile and laugh. I even love to compliment another person. Do me dressing nice, makes another person hate me, or even dislike me?

Most of my life as an adult and after giving birth to my daughter I felt as though I was invisible; "so I thought."

This situation made me realize I am the topic of many coffee breaks, lunch conversations, smoke break topics, and email subjects. To remind you, I have had great laughs and conversations with these people. And yet I didn't know that I was being watched, that I was being timed, or hoped for to fail. The cost of my rent is being discussed, my credit score is being analyzed to the reasons of why I dress nice- to the shoes I buy on sale.


For Example: Oh girl, I really wanted a house last year, but due to the student loans on my credit it didn't go as good as I would have liked it, now I have to wait.


Fremenie version: She don't even have good credit and she pays $X.00 in rent. Did you see her car? I wonder how much money she makes anyway! She couldn't even afford her lunch the other day, she just had water and bread... hmmm. WHAT? I was at that same lunch, my plate was $18 and I got a light plate, so that I could keep the figure that attracts so much attention to me. DAMN!


After much thought, the feelings that I eventually end up having was flattery!

I learn to embrace it! For it means I'm doing good at what I do. But I also learn to stop smiling so much and trusting everyone. While I'm so busy smiling I don't notice those who truly are against me, and trying to get me in a position to fail.


I'm going to keep on looking good! Creating my own fashion do's and strutting the cat walk! For it is something I love to do. I'm good at it. And one day I'm going to make a living out of it.

DONT GO

There are times when a routine, habit, people, and schedule becomes a constant rotation in our lives. We get comfortable, and attached to them. When a change or detour occurs, it could either be great, or it could be sad. The change that has just interrupted my life has sadden me. My big sister who has never been away from me, no more than two to three days at a time is moving away. She is moving on the other side of the United States. More than 800 miles away, and it is not settling well with my mom, her, and myself. We all have been crying non-stop for the last three weeks, and as our time of living in the same city comes close to moving day, it gets harder and harder to fight the emotions of feeling lost, distant, and hurt.

Who would have ever thought my best friend that I have had since I was born would end up being so far away from me. Not in reach to cry on her shoulder, unexpected phone calls to meet for lunch, meeting in the lobby for church: after it already started. :-). I'm going to miss her so much. Apart of me will feel lost, and incomplete. My nieces will be missed also. Their smiles, their laughter, and most of all the weird questions... and to hear them call me "auntie". Missing my sister calling me "sissy". What shall I do with my sister away? How am I to say bye not knowing when will I see her again? How will I protect her when she needs me?

I will pray and forever keep her in my thoughts. I will call her every morning just to hear her voice. We will share a laugh and a compliment or two, just as she was here in the new. I will Skype with the girls to make sure they don't grow too much without me. Send them treats, presents, and feed them sweets. Anticipate the holidays for I know we will all share. Let the new beginning of our lives begin in a crisp air.

Love you sissy.

What are you wearing.... for I love what I am!

I absolutely LOVE SHOPPING! Just the thought of having some new shoes on my feet, with a complimentary pants or dress excites me more than other pleasures in life! Well not all other pleasures.(wink)

I find therapy in shopping, its therapeutic.

Not everyone has a sense of fashion. Some people wear things that just doesn't flatter their bodies or their personalities. Especially women. For me when I shop I don't necessary look at how a garment hangs on the hanger, but imagine the way it would hang on my body shape. I have a small frame at the top, small waist, but wide hips! and small calves. So I look for clothing, that has the hour glass shape but also gives me room around my hips. I don't force myself into anything that doesn't do my body or my confidence any good. I am also very curvy, so there's not much room for tight fitting clothes. A great loose outfit hangs beautifully on me. Some women force themselves in a shirt that gives their breast no time apart from each other; so they're breast try to escape through their cleavage. There is also a not so flattering rule to wearing your clothes too loosely. Why wear something that is too big on your body and gives your shape no voice or appearance. I tell my friends all the time, wear clothes in which you are comfortable in. Something that does not consist of constant adjusting, pulling, or fixing. That is not comfort, but that is the constant need of not being sure of what you are wearing. But something that can carry itself; by making you look flattering without having to constantly remind your clothes of what to do. Many times a person may see someone on TV or in a magazine with a flattering outfit on and assume that they can wear it too. No no no.. You can have that sense of style but not the exact fit.

  For curvier women, like myself. I can see a woman in a short skirt, that looks amazing on her, and even though the skirt is short is doesn't look like evening wear because her frame is small. But for me since I'm a 27 in a waist but a 46 in the hips, I could wear the skirt but put on some flattering tights with it so that it won't put so much attention on my butt, rather than my long legs.. Its called emphasizing and not copy catting. You have to find your sense of fashion and not grasp to someone else's. There are a lot of women wearing clothes in which they really shouldn't, but think that it looks good on them because they are able to get it on. That is not a good scenario.


I am also one of those people who do not feel as though I have to match EVERYTHING! Have you ever seen those women who have the earrings to match with the purse, the belt, ring, eye shadow and so forth. I hate that! Even though it may work for some of you, I don't necessarily try to do it. I can put some dark pants on with a red shirt, and throw on some leopard shoes, and absolutely pull it off! it's called confidence. My shoes barely ever match what I have on, but it is how you wear it, and the confidence you wear it with.


And if you heard it before, you're going to hear it again. Every woman does not have to be skinny in order to look great! I'm not skinny, I have curves, and I think curves are absolutely beautiful on women.

Women that are unique in their own way is what I find to be beautiful! The different shapes and curves of every woman is the story in which she has about her own body. Why would a woman want to change her own story in order to tell the story of another woman's shape. I absolutely love my body, I wouldn't trade it for anything. Even though at times I have to get my pants altered in the waist area, or can't pull some pants up over my hips. I wouldn't trade it! Love yourself, love your body, find your own definition of your fashion style, and give the statement of a lifetime.

What the F...!

If you have read any of my posts in the last six months you would be able to notice that I was in a very difficult situation within my career, with myself, and learning life lessons. I am just now making it to healing, and relief phase. But in all I still have questions that I feel or unanswered, but I'm calmer, more happier, and feel like I'm finally catching my breath. OK,... wait... here it comes.. whoo! (exhale). I finally feel strong, I was at a point in which I felt tired and weak everyday. I stop working out, I start losing wieght, I wasn't conscious of most of the things around me. But now I'm feeling free of burden, stress, and most of all anger. I'm loving life again.

On another note there is so much effort people put into to hating, sabotaging, and disliking someone for reason they find are justifiable.

I am a member of Lakewood Church in Houston Texas, home of Pastor Joel Osteen. And today I found myself in a situation where individuals were trying to persuade me of reasons that they feel Joel is inadequate to speak. They were saying he speaks BS, that his messages or corrupt, and that cannot be trusted. Majority of these people have never been in the same room with him, shook his hand, or even been to one of his sermons. Others have found there opinion through gossip, opinions of TV analysts, false statements, and so on. One person even found it necessary to show me a sermon of another pastor giving a message dissecting one of Joel Osteen's messages. I did not understand it. I thought that was absurb. If you don't like the way someone is doing something, or how they are speaking, why put effort into hating, or disliking that person or the thing that person does?

I feel like the main term people forget to dissect, judge, analyze, or even try to do is communicate. With the situation I experienced in the last year, the failed relationships I have had, the friendships that no longer exist, I feel has always failed because of the failure of communication. People interpret what one person says differently than what they could have possibly meant. They take that meaning and run with it, feed off of it, make it bigger in their mind on a negative level, let it fester and then become destructive. There are so many things a person can put their energy into. Get a positive meaning to life, find a hobby, start an organization, volunteer, do something! Rather than hating or belittling another human being for doing something bigger than themself.

Be apart of the good things the world has to offer, rather than festering on the things that you have to give negative thought into.